Discernment Counseling
Finding Clarity About the Future of Your Marriage
If you or your spouse are considering divorce but are not completely sure that’s the best path, you are in a tough spot. And Discernment Counseling is designed for you. It’s a chance to slow down, take a breath, and look at your options for your marriage.
Understanding Discernment Counseling
Discernment Counseling is a new way of helping couples where one person is “leaning out” of the relationship—and not sure that regular marriage counseling would help—and the other is “leaning in”—that is, interested in rebuilding the marriage.
The goal is not to solve your marital problems but to see if they are solvable. The aim is for you to gain clarity and confidence about a direction for your marriage, based on a deeper understanding of your relationship and its possibilities for the future.
How I Help
I will help you decide whether to try to restore your marriage to health with the support of couples therapy, move toward divorce, or take a time out from discussing or working on the marriage and decide later.
You will each be treated with compassion and respect no matter how you are feeling about your marriage at the moment. There are no bad guys and good guys in my office.
I will respect your reasons for divorce while trying to open up the possibility of restoring the marriage to health. I will emphasize the importance of each of you seeing your own contributions to the problems and the possible solutions. This will be useful in future relationships, or in a co-parenting relationship, even if this marriage ends.
When Discernment Counseling Is Not Suited
Discernment Counseling is not suited for these situations:
When one spouse has already made a final decision to divorce
When one spouse is coercing the other to participate
When there is danger of domestic violence
What to Expect
You will come in as a couple but the most important work occurs in the one-to-one conversations with me. This is because you are starting out in different places.
Discernment Counseling is intentionally short term and offers a maximum of 5 counseling sessions. The first session is 2 hours and the subsequent are 1.5 or 2 hours. The fee for discernment counseling is $300 per hour or $450 for 90 minutes.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the goal of Discernment Counseling?
The goal is to help couples gain confidence and clarity about the direction of the relationship. Rather than trying to solve marital problems, like we do in couples therapy, the process focuses on understanding whether the relationship can be repaired and what path forward makes the most sense.
What are the possible outcomes of Discernment Counseling?
Couples move toward one of three paths: 1. Commit to a focused period of couples therapy to try to repair the relationship, 2. Move toward an amicable seperation or divorce, or 3. Decide to pause and take more time before making any decisions.
Will we be pushed to stay together or to divorce?
No. I will not guide you toward a specific outcome. The purpose is to help you and your spouse understand how you have contributed to the problems in your marriage so you can make a thoughtful decision.
How is Discernment Counseling different from traditional couples therapy?
Couples therapy assumes that both partners want to work on the relationship. Discernment Counseling is designed for couples who are not in the same place and need help deciding whether they want to try to rebuild the relationship.
What happens after Discernment Counseling?
Some couples decide to begin couples therapy and work on repairing the relationship. Others decide to separate or divorce in a thoughtful and respectful way. The goal is that both partners move forward with greater understanding and confidence in their decision. I have a great network of professionals I can refer you, depending on what path you take.
Can we do Discernment Counseling if one of us is having an affair?
Yes. Part of the process will be to bring the affair to light and develop clarity on whether or not the partner that is actively engaged in an affair is willing to end the affair, cut off all contact, and work on the marriage.
Taking the Next Step
If you and your spouse are unsure about the future of your marriage and want help finding clarity about what comes next, the next step is to reach out. You and your partner will set up separate 20 minute complimentary video consultations. We will talk briefly about what is happening in your relationship and I will determine whether Discernment Counseling may be the right next step for you.